In the spirit of keeping it casual, I hopped back on the apps to see if I was missing anything. One month later, I can confirm: I am not missing anything.

I find myself in this endless cycle with dating/hookup apps. I mean, sure, they suck because most of us use these apps for a form of validation, or log in out of boredom. But do I find myself going back on them a few weeks after deletion? Absolutely! These days it’s more for comedic relief and to bring the laughs to my group chat, but sometimes I try to give these men a fair shake before ultimately hoping we mutually ghost each other and never talk again.

Let’s talk about the most recent three I was chatting with (names changed for obvi reasons):

1. Venture Capitalist Vinny

• This man was a Seattle 6, and a New York 3.5. Sure, he was balding and had teeth like a horse, but on paper, he sounded like a winner. And I mean, looks aren’t everything, right? Well, this dude fell flat in every sense.
  • Vinny seemed like he was riding high on a coke bender after his football team won their first championship in 40+ years. I told him this was strike one because it sounded like he favored toxic relationships – Lord knows I wouldn’t root for a team that lost that consistently.
  • The nail in the coffin was this man wanting to do shots and get super blackout drunk for a week straight. While I’m no prude, I wasn’t feeling that, so I ghosted him. I hope he’s signed up for like AA or something.

2. Mardi Gras Mark

• This guy was a red flag from the jump, and I did end up ghosting. Mark, was divorced or divorcing which was the first red flag. As y’all know, I don’t believe in dating newly single folks – too much baggage. The kicker is, my gut was telling me he wasn’t even single. Whenever it came time to hang out, he said he was busy with his parents who didn’t want to watch his child.
  • First question: at your big age, why are you forcing your parents to watch your child? But I digress because maybe he was with his parents? But then in between bragging about his wealth, he mentioned that he lived with his parents. Even if he was single, that in itself was too much.
• Now here is why I didn’t think this guy was single: he would fly back and forth to NOLA to see his alleged ex-wife, and went radio silent. Ultimately, he gave major double-life vibes.

3. Developer Dick

• I was JUST at brunch telling a girlfriend how I was hoping this guy I gave my number to would ghost me. He was coming on way too strong and after I gave him my number (a few weeks in,) and then, the creep factor emerged.
  • He gave me a speech about how I shouldn’t give him my number because he could find out my entire life and track me down and that “who knows what would happen.” Well, time for me to start binging Crime Junkie again because I played myself there.
• Things continued to spiral when he let out that he was in the middle of a divorce, and couldn’t text. He could only use anonymous third-party apps.
• I started to respond later and later, and with fewer words. Nearly one month later – I finally got an unmatch. I didn’t want to unmatch just because he sounded a little weird, but I welcomed this unmatch with open arms. He seemed nice enough until he wasn’t.

So there you have it. 

I downloaded the apps only to delete them once more because the pickings were slim, and too many men didn’t seem to be single, and that’s just not the vibe. But can we chat about that? Why do you think people are so brazen and cool about being a cheater?