You know what they say about life, right? It’s a beautiful ride, but also a messy one. We all experience ups and downs. Sometimes, we unjustly blame ourselves for things beyond our control. But let me tell you something that I live by – “It is not your fault.”

Not your fault.

Three simple words, yet so profound.

It’s a quote that I live by, and one that has saved me from countless moments of self-blame and self-doubt. Truth is, there was a time when I used to take everything too personally. Every time someone failed me, disappointed me, or hurt me, I felt it was due to my actions. I believed I did something wrong or failed to do something. My inner perfectionist thought that even though I might have done everything right, maybe I didn’t do enough. Therefore, I felt like I failed. I can’t tell you how many times in my thirties I thought maybe I wasn’t good enough, or smart enough. But then I had a come-to-Jesus, and I realized, that really wasn’t the case at all.

I learned this lesson the hard way, as many of us do. Life has a way of teaching us the things we need to learn, sometimes in the most painful of ways. But when we finally do learn them, it’s like the weight of the world has been lifted from our shoulders. For me, that lesson was simple but powerful: let go of control. You can’t control others, and you are certainly not responsible for them.

5 Empowering Ways to Let Go of Shame and Blame and Embrace Self-Acceptance

Feeling trapped by shame and blame can be overwhelming, but it’s crucial to understand that not everything is your fault. Here’s a list of five effective strategies. These will help you let go of these negative emotions. They will also foster a healthier self-image.

1. Practice Mindfulness and Self-Compassion

Mindfulness allows you to observe your thoughts without judgment. By practicing mindfulness, you can detach from feelings of shame and blame. Self-compassion encourages you to treat yourself with kindness, much like you would a friend in a similar situation. These practices help you understand that making mistakes is part of being human, promoting acceptance and healing.

2. Challenge Negative Self-Talk

Become aware of the negative narratives that fuel shame and blame. Challenge these thoughts by reframing them into positive affirmations. Instead of thinking, “I always mess things up,” rephrase it to, “I am learning and growing from my experiences.” This shift helps reduce feelings of guilt and encourages a mindset focused on growth.

3. Seek Support from Others

Connecting with supportive friends, family members, or a therapist can help. They provide a safe space to express your feelings of shame and blame. Sharing your experiences can help normalize them, making it easier to realize that you are not alone in your struggles. Supportive connections can provide valuable perspectives that reinforce self-acceptance.

4. Engage in Reflective Journaling

Journaling can be a powerful tool for self-exploration. Write about your feelings of shame and blame, and examine the situations that triggered these emotions. Reflect on your experiences to gain insight into why you feel blamed. Learn how to separate those feelings from your sense of self-worth. This practice promotes healing and self-acceptance.

5. Focus on Positive Affirmations and Gratitude

Develop a daily practice of positive affirmations to replace shame and blame with self-empowerment. Additionally, cultivating gratitude can shift your focus from negative experiences to the positive aspects of your life. A gratitude journal can help you recognize what you have accomplished and who you are outside of challenging situations.

By implementing these strategies, you can learn to let go of shame and blame. This fosters a mindset of acceptance and self-love. Remember, it’s essential to remind yourself that not everything is your fault; we all face challenges that shape our lives. Embrace your journey, and be kind to yourself along the way!

Let go of the need to control every little thing

It may seem obvious, but it’s not always easy to accept. We want to be in control of our lives, of the people around us, and subsequently, the outcomes. But the truth is, life doesn’t work that way. We can’t control the actions or decisions of others, no matter how much we want to. And we certainly cannot be held responsible for their shortcomings or failures.

I don’t know if I’m dating myself here. I remember many group projects where I would take on more work. I did this simply because I didn’t want one person to bring down the entire group’s grade.

I promise I’ve loosened the reins of perfectionism in my life.

These days, whenever I feel like I’m to blame, I remind myself of something important. I am not responsible for the choices of others. Whether it’s with a classmate, colleague, lover, or even family member – I take a step back. I look at the bigger picture. I realize that I did everything I could have done. If someone else dropped the ball, it’s not because of me. It’s because of them.

So what does it all mean?

This doesn’t mean that we shouldn’t take responsibility for our own actions, of course. We should always strive to be the best version of ourselves. We need to learn from our mistakes. We should grow as individuals. But we should also recognize that we cannot control the actions of others, and we are not responsible for them.

The next time you find yourself in a situation where you’re beating yourself up, try not to. Take a deep breath, let go of control, and give yourself grace. You deserve it. After all, life is already messy. We don’t need to add to that mess by blaming ourselves for things we cannot control.

Learn to let go, learn to accept, and learn to live. You’ll be amazed at how freeing it can be.

Here’s to living life unapologetically and blissfully. I hope you do the same. You might disagree with everything I said above. That’s okay. As the great Heather Dubrow once said on RHOC: “It’s okay to disagree.“