Today, let’s dive into something that’s been weighing on my heart. As a 34-year-old that has navigated the sometimes rocky terrain of love and partnerships, I’ve come to realize that we often cling to unhealthy relationships longer than we should. Why do we do this? The answer is layered, complex, and – let’s face it – painfully relatable.

The Tug of War with Comfort Zones

First off, can we talk about the comfort zone? It’s like that favorite pair of jeans you refuse to throw away, even though they’re two sizes too small and a bit frayed. Why? Because they know you; they’ve been with you through thick and thin (literally). Similarly, unhealthy relationships can feel familiar. Even when they don’t serve us, we often choose the known over the unknown because it feels safer. A wise person once told me, because careful if someone feels like home, if home wasn’t a safe place. Sometimes we repeat cycles, without even realizing. This is part of the reason I’m such an advocate of everyone trying therapy at least once in their life — you can learn so much about why you are the way you are.

Fear of Loneliness

If we are being truly candid with one another, many don’t want to admit that they’re scared to be alone. Society has conditioned us to think that being with someone is the ultimate goal, which can lead us to stay in relationships that aren’t right for us. The fear of loneliness can feel overwhelming with us asking ourselves, “What if no one else comes along?” But here’s the kicker: being by yourself isn’t the same as being lonely, and learning to love yourself can open the door to much healthier connections.

The Cycle of Hope

At some point in life, you have probably been in a relationship where you would endlessly convince yourself that things would change if you hung in there a little longer. “Maybe next week he’ll finally commit,” or “She’s just going through a rough patch.” But let’s face it: change needs more than good intentions. It requires action. If you find yourself relentlessly hoping that your partner will suddenly transform into the perfect partner, it may be time for some soul-searching.

Signs You’re in an Unhealthy Relationship

Now that we’ve acknowledged the reasons we stay, let’s explore some telltale signs that you might be stuck in an unhealthy relationship that isn’t working for you:

• Constantly Walking on Eggshells: If you find yourself avoiding certain topics to keep the peace, it’s a sign that your relationship lacks open communication, and basic respect.
• Feeling Drained: Relationships should uplift you. If you’re consistently feeling worn out or exhausted after spending time with your partner, take note. Some partners (especially narcissists,) just drain your energy. I used to look at my ex, and just feel exhausted.
• Frequent Arguments Over the Same Issues: If you’re in a perpetual cycle of the same fights, it may indicate that your fundamental differences aren’t being addressed.
• Diminished Self-Esteem: If your partner frequently belittles you or makes you feel less than, it’s time to reevaluate your worth—and your relationship.
• Ignoring Red Flags: You know those little things that make you uncomfortable? Suppressing your gut feelings is a surefire sign that something isn’t right, and that shit will bubble up eventually.

Finding Your Way Out

So, how do we free ourselves from these unhealthy cycles? Here are a few pointers that I’ve gathered from personal experience and, of course, from the wisdom of others:

1. Acknowledge Your Feelings: Validating your feelings is the first step toward healing. Own your emotions—sad, angry, or even confused. They’re all part of your journey. Feel your feels.
2. Talk to Someone: Whether it’s a trusted friend or a therapist, expressing your feelings can provide clarity. Sometimes we just need a sounding board. If you are talking to a friend, try to avoid trauma dumping on them repeatedly, especially if you know you’re not going to try to change things. If being in a toxic, unhealthy relationship is for you, keep your friends out of it.
3. Set Boundaries: Start drawing lines around what’s acceptable and what isn’t. You deserve to be treated with respect.
4. Take the Leap: If you’ve made the decision to leave, don’t look back, no matter how convincing. It’s scary, but worth it.
5. Embrace Being Single: Rediscovering yourself can be one of the most rewarding journeys you can embark on. Be your own best friend! My relationships and friendships got so much better when I did the work on myself.

Choose Yourself

It’s time to prioritize YOU! We all deserve relationships that lift us up, not drag us down. If you find yourself settling for toxic partners or staying in unhealthy dynamics, remember—choosing yourself is the first step toward a genuinely better life.

Letting go of negative relationships can be tough, but it’s essential for your well-being. Surround yourself with people who respect you and support you. Love should feel good, not heavy.

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