I once dated someone I really liked, but everything became a trigger. Misunderstandings turned into my fault, and they even blamed me for not having the same upbringing they did. I was offering love, but it kept landing wrong. A therapist eventually explained that when someone isn’t raised in love, their idea of “normal” in relationships is completely different.

So let’s talk about what that actually looks like, and why it can feel so confusing.

What “Survival Mode” Looks Like

Growing up in survival mode trains the nervous system to scan for threat, not connection. Love may show up as control, withdrawal, hyper-independence, or pushing you away when things get good. It’s not intentional, but it has real impact, especially if you’re dating with long-term intentions.

The Signs Are Subtle…Until They’re Not

You may notice that they:

• Shut down when you express a need
• Misread your care as control
• Idealize you early, then pull back
• Talk deeply but struggle with follow-through
• Mirror intimacy they can’t sustain

Survival teaches avoiding harm, not building trust.

Why You Need to Be Careful

Compassion is important, but it doesn’t require abandoning your boundaries. It’s easy to confuse someone’s potential with their patterns, especially when you understand their pain.

If they’re not actively healing, you may start shrinking yourself, managing their emotions, or questioning your own needs. That’s not love, it’s emotional exhaustion.

The Hard Truth

People raised in survival love differently, and not everyone is ready to unlearn it.
You can care deeply and still choose yourself.
That’s not selfish, it’s wisdom.

What to Do If You’re in This Dynamic

• Trust your instincts. If something feels off, pay attention.
• Slow down. Time exposes patterns, not promises.
• Watch actions, not words. Consistency matters most.
• Honor your needs. If they can’t meet them, it’s okay to walk away.

Love Them If You Want, But Choose You

Empathy and boundaries can coexist. You deserve reciprocity, softness, and emotional safety.

Be kind, be open, be compassionate, but also be careful.

And stop trying to rescue people who refuse to do the work themselves.