Dating right now is a hot mess. Whether you date men, women, or both, everything feels weird, right? And no, it’s not just you. Things are out of whack on all sides of the spectrum. Why? Because a lot of people are lost, trying to find themselves through other people. And trust me, that’s a dangerous game.

The reality is, dating someone who doesn’t know who they are can mess with your mental and emotional well-being.If you’ve been on the receiving end of this, you know exactly how exhausting it can be. But don’t worry, you’re not the only one who’s noticed that this whole “finding yourself in others” thing isn’t working.

The Dangers of Dating Someone Who’s Still Lost

Here’s the thing: When you’re dating someone who is still figuring out who they are, you’re not actually dating them, you’re dating a version of them that doesn’t even exist yet. Dating someone who’s still in flux is like getting involved in a relationship where nothing is stable. It’s one emotional rollercoaster after another.

And let me be clear here: this is not just a phase. It’s a red flag. Relationships need stability to thrive. If someone can’t even get their own life together, how can they contribute to yours? Here’s why this self-discovery mess isn’t cute:

1. Emotional Unavailability
   If someone hasn’t figured out who they are, they don’t know what they need from a relationship, let alone how to show up emotionally for you. You’ll be stuck wondering, “Do they like me? Do they even know what they want?” 
2. Constant Inconsistency
   One minute, they’re in love with you; the next, they’re pulling away. It’s not the romantic tension you see in rom-coms…it’s just instability. If they’re not clear on who they are, how can they be clear about what they want from you?
3. No Solid Foundation
   If they’re still figuring out their preferences, their identity, or even their financial situation, you’re left building a relationship on shaky ground. And here’s the thing: that foundation is never going to be as solid as you need it to be. Relationships take effort, but effort without stability is just draining.
4. Codependency Waiting to Happen
   People who don’t know who they are often become emotionally reliant on their partners to fill the gaps. And when you’re not fully aligned with your own life, you end up making your partner the one to “fix” you. That’s nothealthy.
5. Misaligned Expectations
   When you’re both on different pages, the relationship becomes a mismatch. They might think they’re ready for something serious, but in reality, they’re still figuring out whether they even like who they are. And let’s be real: If someone doesn’t know what they want from themselves, how can they know what they want from a relationship?

Why People Are Looking for Themselves in Others

Here’s where things get interesting. Why are so many people out here dating as a form of self-discovery? Well, society tells us that we’re supposed to have our lives together by a certain age, and if you’re in your late 20s or 30s, the pressure to figure everything out feels real. But here’s the catch: people are so busy looking for themselves in others that they forget to do the hard work on themselves first.

Instead of figuring out who they are before getting into a relationship, they rush in and hope their partner will complete them. They experiment with different types of relationships, orientations, or dynamics trying to find what “fits.” But here’s the problem: when you’re constantly relying on someone else to make sense of who you are, you’re setting both of you up for failure.

How to Protect Yourself When Dating Right Now

The dating world feels chaotic right now, and people are in different places on their personal growth journeys. But you don’t need to settle for the emotional baggage of someone else’s self-discovery trip. Here’s what I suggest you do:

1. Set Boundaries
   If you’re dating someone who clearly doesn’t know what they want, be honest with yourself about what you need from them. If they can’t provide emotional clarity or stability, then walk away. It’s okay to prioritize your mental and emotional health.
2. Work on Your Own Self-Awareness First
   Before you start dating, make sure you have your own life and priorities figured out. If you’re still figuring out your own identity, take a break from dating and focus on yourself. You can’t give someone else the best version of you if you’re not even clear on who you are.
3. Avoid the Emotional Labor
   If you feel like you’re constantly trying to “fix” someone or doing all the emotional work without getting it in return, that’s a major red flag. You’re not their therapist. Relationships should be mutual, not one-sided.
4. Take Your Time
   Don’t rush into anything serious with someone who’s still figuring things out. Let them find themselves before you invest in them. The right partner will already have a solid foundation, and you should, too.
5. Know Your Worth
   Dating someone who doesn’t know who they are is only going to leave you feeling drained, insecure, and questioning your own worth. You deserve someone who’s emotionally available and knows what they want. Period.

If you’re looking for something stable, don’t settle for someone who’s still lost in their self-discovery journey. Take your time, set boundaries, and focus on your own self-awareness first.