I was at Grimaldi’s one Saturday afternoon, waiting on a takeout order after running errands, when I caught part of a conversation behind me. I wasn’t trying to listen, but once I realized they were talking about dating, I couldn’t help but notice how familiar it sounded.
They were talking about “intentions,” that careful word people use when they’re trying to figure out what something is without quite asking the question. One person wasn’t being clear, and the other was trying to make sense of it without admitting that the lack of clarity might itself be the answer.
I’ve been there. Most people who have dated for any length of time probably have.
You start wondering why someone pulled back after being interested, why they text but never make plans, why they talk about wanting something serious but behave as though seeing you is an inconvenience. And because there is usually some plausible explanation, you keep looking for it. Maybe they’re busy. Maybe they’re scared. Maybe they have baggage. Maybe they like you but don’t know what they want.
Maybe.
I’ve spent enough time in that word to know how easily it can keep you stuck.
When Dating Turns into a Game of Interpretation
I think this is one of the exhausting parts of dating in your 30s. You understand that people are complicated. You know that everyone has baggage and that one awkward interaction doesn’t necessarily mean anything. You also know that people get busy, have bad days, communicate differently, and sometimes take time to open up.
So you become very good at making room for explanations.
Sometimes too good.
You can explain almost anything if you want badly enough for it to work. Someone doesn’t call when they said they would, so they’re busy. They cancel and don’t reschedule, so something came up. They disappear and return like nothing happened, so maybe they’re overwhelmed.
Eventually, you realize you’re doing a remarkable amount of work for something that barely exists.
That’s what I eventually got tired of. Not dating itself, and not even rejection. The constant interpretation. Trying to make sense of behavior that was already making me uncomfortable.
I came across the Burned Haystack Method, created by linguist Jennie Young, after I had already started moving away from this way of dating. What appealed to me wasn’t the idea of becoming ruthless or eliminating someone over every imperfect interaction. It was the idea of paying attention to patterns instead of constantly searching for the better explanation underneath them.
I don’t need someone to be perfect. People are human. But there is a difference between giving someone the benefit of the doubt and giving them so much doubt that you stop believing your own experience.
That was the shift for me.
I stopped asking only, Why are they behaving this way? and started asking, Do I actually like what is happening here?
The answer was sometimes no, even when I understood the reason.
Someone can have a perfectly legitimate explanation for being inconsistent and still not be capable of giving you the relationship you want. Someone can be a good person and still not be right for you. Someone can like you and still not show up in a way that works for you.
None of that requires a villain.
You Don’t Have to Figure Everyone Out
I don’t think dating in your 30s becomes easier because you finally figure people out. You just become less willing to argue with what you’re seeing.
You stop needing every confusing situation to have a hidden explanation. You stop treating potential like it’s something you already have. You stop assuming that more patience will eventually turn inconsistency into compatibility.
That isn’t cynicism. It’s just paying attention.
Someone can have a perfectly legitimate explanation for being inconsistent and still not be capable of giving you the relationship you want. Someone can be a good person and still not be right for you. Someone can like you and still not show up in a way that works for you.
None of that requires a villain. Sometimes you don’t need more information. You need to believe the information you already have.
And sometimes the answer isn’t hidden underneath the mixed signals.
Sometimes the mixed signals are the answer.
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