After 34 years of dating, heartbreaks, on-again-off-again situations, and personal reinventions, I’ve landed on one core truth that still holds up: People want to chase.

I learned this through trial and error. Lots of it. The moment I stopped trying so hard and started focusing on my own life, something shifted. When I wasn’t trying to prove anything, the pursuit came naturally. The less I reached, the more they showed up. Every time.

But when I chased? When I over-texted, over-explained, adjusted my vibe to hold their interest? The energy dried up. Fast. At best, I got a few polite replies. At worst, I got strung along.

Why People Need to Do the Chasing

Healthy attraction is built on action. Pursuing. Showing up. Taking initiative. Whether it’s planning dates or simply following through, effort is how connection grows.

When you take over that role of always reaching out, or always initiating, you’re not speeding things up. You’re getting in your own way. People value what they earn. Let them show up.

If someone really sees your worth, you won’t need to coach them into consistency. They’ll just bring it. You won’t have to overthink it.

So seriously, stop doing their job for them.

How to Avoid Coming Off Desperate (Even If You’re Into Them)

1. Make your life feel good without them
   Book the dinner. Light the candle. Buy the flowers. Do it for you. When your world feels full, you’re not looking for someone else to complete it.
2. Stop performing for approval
   This isn’t an audition. You don’t need to angle yourself into the role of “partner material.” You already are. Let them notice or let them go.
3. Talk less, watch more
   Listen to what they say, but pay more attention to what they do. That’s where the real answers are.
4. Take your time emotionally
   You don’t need to be planning a future after date one. Let things unfold. Hold your space. Share more as they earn it.
5. Don’t always be available
   You’re busy. You have things going on. Let them feel your absence a little. It makes your presence feel more valuable.
6. Act from self-worth, not fear
   Desperation usually comes from thinking your options are limited. They’re not. Remind yourself: if this isn’t it, something better is.

Texting While Dating: Don’t Be the One Carrying the Whole Conversation

1. Match their pace
   If they’re brief, don’t go overboard. If they’re taking hours to respond, you don’t need to reply instantly.
2. Avoid double-texting
   Unless it’s urgent, resist the urge to follow up. If someone’s interested, they’ll make time.
3. Don’t initiate more than you receive
   It’s not about playing games, it’s about balance. You shouldn’t be doing all the heavy lifting.
4. Keep messages short and intentional
   Texting is for check-ins and plans, not deep life stories. Save the real connection for face-to-face.
5. End the conversation sometimes
   Don’t wait for them to wrap it up. Saying “goodnight” first now and then keeps things from feeling one-sided.

Spot a Low-Effort Partner Early

1. Inconsistency
   If they’re hot and cold, believe the pattern. It’s not depth, it’s disinterest.
2. You’re always the one texting first
   If you feel like their assistant instead of someone they’re excited to talk to, that’s your answer.
3. No solid plans
   “We should hang sometime” isn’t a plan. If they want to see you, they’ll make it happen.
4. Late-night texts only
   If you’re only hearing from them after 10 p.m., you’re not on their priority list.
5. Everything stays surface-level
   If they’re not asking questions or getting curious about who you are, they’re not trying to connect.
6. You’re always confused
   If you’re constantly second-guessing how they feel, it’s not mutual. When someone’s serious, it’s obvious.

Let Them Step Up Or Move On

The best connections I’ve had came when I let people come to me. They made the plans, followed up, showed real effort. Not because I begged or dropped hints, but because I gave them the space to show up.

When I stopped overdoing it, and stopped initiating just to keep it going, I finally saw who was really there. And who wasn’t.

You don’t have to over-function to earn connection. You don’t have to chase to be chosen.

You are the value. You are the standard. And when you carry yourself like you know that, the right person will rise to meet you there. No pushing. No guessing.

So the next time you feel the urge to send that extra message, to overanalyze a vague text, to hold onto something that’s barely holding on to you, take a breath. Step back. And remind yourself:

If it’s not them, it’s someone better.